Hrm, almost two weeks it seems. School is still going well enough, and love life is...less confusing anyway. I really need to learn to live in the present, not looking to the future. I'd like to think that my forethought has been what's gotten me where I am, but it seems like it's becoming a bit of a drag. Not as bad as living in the past I think, but problematic nonetheless. C is great, she's really been helping keep my mind off of Z, which is ultimately what I think I need. Sort of the boomerang theory, the only way something can come back is to let it go. Besides, I can be charming as hell when I want to be, we'll see where that takes me. I've sure been talking to C a lot, and I have to say I really, really enjoy her company. Perhaps we should text less though, 600+ in the three weeks I've had her number is a little crazy. Thank God for unlimited texting. Dinner, coffee, movies, it's pretty nice to have someone to take out on the town here.
On an unrelated, and perhaps happier note, I've pretty happy about where I'm going with life in general. I got a guy's card who works in the energy dept. of the GLO, hopefully that turns into a job for next semester. Texas football is awesome, seeing as it led to me meeting this guy. and we're #1 in the country. Bitches.
I think things are getting better, I sure feel better on average than I did a month ago. I have a new thought on that note, that could come into play in the future, but I don't feel like talking about that here.
May the road rise to meet you.

Hmm, I feel like writing again. Always at night I guess.
Been a little better this past week, but still not 100% I think. I'm not sure what will break me out of this, most likely just time. I've been talking to someone a good amount, I'll call her C. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like talking to her a lot, not talking about much of anything and being able to flirt. I'm positive she likes me, and I like her too. I'm just worried about the fact that I'm still in love with Z and don't want to hurt C. Z will be okay, she's better at coping than I am I think. I also don't really feel like I have much of anyone to talk to about this. I also think I'm going to ask M2 (girl in Spanish class) about coffee, if only because I feel like I need to ask someone random out, and she seems pretty cool. It's all so...problematic. On the other hand, it could be worse. As I told someone earlier today, my school work is more or less together and not too bad. Work is alright. I wish I had more money, but who couldn't use more cash? All in all, life isn't too bad, just confusing, mainly my fault I think. I wonder if I could somehow make this private?
May the road rise to meet you.

I really hate this mood

I've been so fucking morose lately it's ridiculous. I know what's causing it, but that isn't helping. I can't seem to find the energy to care all that much about school work, I find myself just wanting some answers in the areas dominating my mind. I'm not sure what I want to do after school anymore, a problem made all the more urgent by the fact that I think I'll probably graduate a semester early. Though I guess that won't happen if I can't pull myself together and get onto school matters. It's not that I'm neglecting them, I just can't seem to find the energy I'd like to put into it. I need someone to talk to, not made any better by the fact that the one person who I listen to the most on other subjects is sort of biased in this, and the fact that all my friends seem to be telling me to do what I can't do, what I don't think is really the best thing to do (though I could be wrong about that) and by the fact that I can't even seem to get a satisfactory description of the problem out to let anyone help me. No one telling me to break it off for good knows what Z and I are like together. None of them know the effect she has making me happier and more complete. I can't talk to her because, well, she can't seem to help me, or maybe doesn't want to. I feel like I'm whining, which is why I'm writing it here, because here I can say FUCK YOU! Don't read this if it's depressing. I'm really tired of feeling so weighed down by this. And after this weekend I really don't have any interest in alcohol, which is probably a good thing. I seem to be stuck in the exact opposite position as her. She seems to have limitless prospects, meet all sorts of guys she "really likes" and wants to date. I can't really seem to find one that I really find all that interesting. Fuck it, I'd join the seminary if I was very religious.
May the road rise to meet you.

God, don't I feel like an idiot.

So it's been awhile, like a really really long while. Oh well, maybe I'll start writing again, probably not though. I do need something to write in right now, and since I'm pretty sure this isn't being read, I'll put it here. Maybe if someone does read it, they can help. I feel like an idiot because I can't get a certain someone out of my head. It's completely retarded of me, the only way to be with her in the end is to get over her for now. I know this, I need to, I try to, but I can't. Whenever I've been left to think these past couple days, my mind wonders back to her, this past weekend (when I saw her), what's happened since then, and what's likely to happen. I have my theories as to why I feel so down about it. Two to be exact, and both are direct connections from the last time I felt this down, also over Z. Number one, and the one I think is most likely, has to do with the fact that Z recently turned 21. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her, and really happy she's having fun celebrating. But I feel a little left behind. I know I'll be there soon, but I feel like when I see her for the next 7 months I'll be a little left out because I can't go out to all the same places. The connection with the last time of course being that the last time was when she left for college and I had to stay at home. Depressing times to lose your best friend and best girl at the same time, especially when they're the same person. The second, related reason is that we were so happy before we left for school and until 3 weeks ago. Those 3 weeks were great, I felt like maybe we had gotten past the LDR thing and could be a normal (as normal as Z and I can be) couple. I felt like we had turned a corner. Then the distance thing came back, which I had been fearing all along, and ruined it all. Another possible reason is related to my seeming inability to meet many people. I'm not sure if it's a personality thing or what, but I seem to have less success than other people (specifically some of my best friends) in this area and it makes me feel...jealous, I suppose. God, I'm depressing to listen to. My greatest fear is to be forgotten, and I've been feeling really alone and forgetten lately. I feel like I'm not completely connected with anyone anymore and it hurts a lot. Look at me, I'm tearing up about this. And that leads me back to feeling like an idiot. I shouldn't be this emotional or this attached to my relationships or think about them as much. I'm pretty sure all of these things are what's leading to my current malaise, in some mysterious, annoying combination.
May the road rise to meet you, it sure hasn't been meeting my feet lately.