Hrm, almost two weeks it seems. School is still going well enough, and love life is...less confusing anyway. I really need to learn to live in the present, not looking to the future. I'd like to think that my forethought has been what's gotten me where I am, but it seems like it's becoming a bit of a drag. Not as bad as living in the past I think, but problematic nonetheless. C is great, she's really been helping keep my mind off of Z, which is ultimately what I think I need. Sort of the boomerang theory, the only way something can come back is to let it go. Besides, I can be charming as hell when I want to be, we'll see where that takes me. I've sure been talking to C a lot, and I have to say I really, really enjoy her company. Perhaps we should text less though, 600+ in the three weeks I've had her number is a little crazy. Thank God for unlimited texting. Dinner, coffee, movies, it's pretty nice to have someone to take out on the town here.
On an unrelated, and perhaps happier note, I've pretty happy about where I'm going with life in general. I got a guy's card who works in the energy dept. of the GLO, hopefully that turns into a job for next semester. Texas football is awesome, seeing as it led to me meeting this guy. and we're #1 in the country. Bitches.
I think things are getting better, I sure feel better on average than I did a month ago. I have a new thought on that note, that could come into play in the future, but I don't feel like talking about that here.
May the road rise to meet you.

Hmm, I feel like writing again. Always at night I guess.
Been a little better this past week, but still not 100% I think. I'm not sure what will break me out of this, most likely just time. I've been talking to someone a good amount, I'll call her C. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like talking to her a lot, not talking about much of anything and being able to flirt. I'm positive she likes me, and I like her too. I'm just worried about the fact that I'm still in love with Z and don't want to hurt C. Z will be okay, she's better at coping than I am I think. I also don't really feel like I have much of anyone to talk to about this. I also think I'm going to ask M2 (girl in Spanish class) about coffee, if only because I feel like I need to ask someone random out, and she seems pretty cool. It's all so...problematic. On the other hand, it could be worse. As I told someone earlier today, my school work is more or less together and not too bad. Work is alright. I wish I had more money, but who couldn't use more cash? All in all, life isn't too bad, just confusing, mainly my fault I think. I wonder if I could somehow make this private?
May the road rise to meet you.

I really hate this mood

I've been so fucking morose lately it's ridiculous. I know what's causing it, but that isn't helping. I can't seem to find the energy to care all that much about school work, I find myself just wanting some answers in the areas dominating my mind. I'm not sure what I want to do after school anymore, a problem made all the more urgent by the fact that I think I'll probably graduate a semester early. Though I guess that won't happen if I can't pull myself together and get onto school matters. It's not that I'm neglecting them, I just can't seem to find the energy I'd like to put into it. I need someone to talk to, not made any better by the fact that the one person who I listen to the most on other subjects is sort of biased in this, and the fact that all my friends seem to be telling me to do what I can't do, what I don't think is really the best thing to do (though I could be wrong about that) and by the fact that I can't even seem to get a satisfactory description of the problem out to let anyone help me. No one telling me to break it off for good knows what Z and I are like together. None of them know the effect she has making me happier and more complete. I can't talk to her because, well, she can't seem to help me, or maybe doesn't want to. I feel like I'm whining, which is why I'm writing it here, because here I can say FUCK YOU! Don't read this if it's depressing. I'm really tired of feeling so weighed down by this. And after this weekend I really don't have any interest in alcohol, which is probably a good thing. I seem to be stuck in the exact opposite position as her. She seems to have limitless prospects, meet all sorts of guys she "really likes" and wants to date. I can't really seem to find one that I really find all that interesting. Fuck it, I'd join the seminary if I was very religious.
May the road rise to meet you.

God, don't I feel like an idiot.

So it's been awhile, like a really really long while. Oh well, maybe I'll start writing again, probably not though. I do need something to write in right now, and since I'm pretty sure this isn't being read, I'll put it here. Maybe if someone does read it, they can help. I feel like an idiot because I can't get a certain someone out of my head. It's completely retarded of me, the only way to be with her in the end is to get over her for now. I know this, I need to, I try to, but I can't. Whenever I've been left to think these past couple days, my mind wonders back to her, this past weekend (when I saw her), what's happened since then, and what's likely to happen. I have my theories as to why I feel so down about it. Two to be exact, and both are direct connections from the last time I felt this down, also over Z. Number one, and the one I think is most likely, has to do with the fact that Z recently turned 21. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for her, and really happy she's having fun celebrating. But I feel a little left behind. I know I'll be there soon, but I feel like when I see her for the next 7 months I'll be a little left out because I can't go out to all the same places. The connection with the last time of course being that the last time was when she left for college and I had to stay at home. Depressing times to lose your best friend and best girl at the same time, especially when they're the same person. The second, related reason is that we were so happy before we left for school and until 3 weeks ago. Those 3 weeks were great, I felt like maybe we had gotten past the LDR thing and could be a normal (as normal as Z and I can be) couple. I felt like we had turned a corner. Then the distance thing came back, which I had been fearing all along, and ruined it all. Another possible reason is related to my seeming inability to meet many people. I'm not sure if it's a personality thing or what, but I seem to have less success than other people (specifically some of my best friends) in this area and it makes me feel...jealous, I suppose. God, I'm depressing to listen to. My greatest fear is to be forgotten, and I've been feeling really alone and forgetten lately. I feel like I'm not completely connected with anyone anymore and it hurts a lot. Look at me, I'm tearing up about this. And that leads me back to feeling like an idiot. I shouldn't be this emotional or this attached to my relationships or think about them as much. I'm pretty sure all of these things are what's leading to my current malaise, in some mysterious, annoying combination.
May the road rise to meet you, it sure hasn't been meeting my feet lately.

I'm apparently awful at this.

As the title suggests, I'm apparently awful at this, according to me. Oh well, I'll see what I have to write about. First, this whole blog thing. That's what I'm awful at. I've told myself to update every night for a week now and tonight is the first time I've actually done it (quite obviously). Um, so I'd like those who read this to perhaps leave a comment. Not that I want empty comments, but I'm curious if anyone other than Z is reading this. If not, oh well. On to life. I'm back in the bustling metropolis that is Ft. Stockton and hotel internet is still terrible. I've been going to Sanderson to work everyday this week and will be there for the foreseeable future. That means a 65 mile drive with one of the guys I work with every day to a town with no more than 1,500 people in it on a very good day. But it is only 10-20 miles from the Rio Grande and honestly is some of the most beautiful country I've seen out here. Not too shabby, considering it also cuts the amount of actual work I do everyday by probably two and a half hours. Work is...work. It gives me a headache a lot of days but can also be really interesting. I find some strange satisfaction in linking the dates on the documents I'm reading to large, worldwide events. Going home last week was pretty cool, it was nice to get away from here for a while. If nothing else it reminded me that Spring/Tomball/The Woodlands is boring also and that I'm not really missing anything. It was nice to see people though. So if I saw you, it was nice to see you, let's do it again when I come back. And as my grandma told me while I was home, cha-ching. I just have to keep reminding myself of the fact that I'm making large amounts of money. As an aside, this seems to be turning into more of a diary than I wanted it to be, but whatever. More later.
May the road rise to meet you.

Home soon...

As the title would suggest, I'll be headed home for a week or so at the end of this week. Pretty exciting. I'm pretty excited to be able to see Z, to go to th Dynamo game, to spend a little time in Austin, and all that. I'm not sure how much of my excitement to go home is more for just getting out of here, seeing people, or just wanting a change of pace from work, which can be pretty tedious sometimes. Probably a blend of all those, especially seeing people I know though. As for work, it's going pretty well, certainly worth the money and it seems to be turning into a pretty good experience for me. Making a few contacts, making some great money, and maybe learning a little bit about my ability to cope with being away from everything I'm familiar with. We'll see how the next shift goes though. Oh, commercial on TV reminded me, I think I'm going to take some golf lessons starting soon. I'm pretty excited, it should help pass some time out here and maybe be a good way to meet some people. As far as future career, it should help that too. On a more personal level, I'm bored as hell, but that was to be expected. I'm not sure how much more I would be entertained in H-town though. Like I said, being able to hang out with friends would be cool, but I'm pretty sure I'd be bored or spending way too much money, or both. Probably both. It's been awhile since I updated, but I haven't honestly had that much to write about. On a romance level, I wish I had something to write about. Even more than that, I wish I had something exciting to write about. Perhaps this really is life for the most part, boredom punctuated by the good times. The key being those sentences full of monotony and routine. Getting away from that should be a long term goal of mine, related to the one from my last post. Sorry if this sounds more like a diary entry, just my thoughts at the moment. I'll hopefully write again in the next couple of days

May the road rise to meet you.

The Adventure Begins

So I'm starting this at the urging of a good friend "Z" who shall also get a nickname since she seems to have nicknamed me. But I'm also writing this as a way to write down the stuff that I think of from time to time. Sometimes my thoughts amaze even myself. This likely won't be a blog filled with modesty. Though it might be. I'm not sure how I really feel about all that sometimes. I'm not sure how often I'll update this, it'll likely depend on my mood. Lord knows I won't be want for time. Onwards to an update on my life.

For those that don't know, I'm working for a land broker in the exciting town of....wait for it... Ft. Stockton, Texas. It's one of the more boring places I've been. I'm talking as depopulated as the area in NE Nebraska (NE NE) without the quiet and nice weather in the summer. Although it can be quite beautiful out here, I do rather like the option of returning to civilization when I want without having to drive a minimum of ~115 miles. And that only gets me to Midland, which isn't all that much better. I did make that journey up to Midland this past weekend however. Country roads in the middle of nowhere can be pretty cool and given the geography of the area I could see some mesas that I'm pretty sure are at least 30 or so miles from town without any problem whatsoever. Midland was predictably sparse but I did get some more books to help the time pass. I also visited the "Odessa Meteor Crater and Meteor Museum", which was actually kind of cool. Nothing really spectacular. but really quiet and sort of interesting. This weekend was fantastically uneventful other than that. The good thing about being out here is that the work seems like it is relatively easy and relaxed. Maybe not easy, but certainly not quantum physics. Working from 8 to 5 or 6 on and off certainly helps the days out here go faster. Which brings me to a short thought I had. It seems a little depressing to me that even at the age of 20 I'm doing things in the hopes of making days pass quicker. I feel like I should be trying to make the best of everyday, not making the days go away. I think I'll make that my mission for the summer. To do things that are at the least memorable and at the best mildly life altering on most days. Perhaps.
I have decided that as soon as my first paycheck comes in I'm going to buy a camera so you all (mainly just Z I'm sure, I'll be pleasantly surprised if many others keep up with this) can see the "excitement" of my life. And to take tons of pictures in August.

That's it for now.
May the road rise to meet you.